January 2, 2017
My first thoughts when I wake up most mornings before dawn, without an alarm beeping obnoxiously in my ear, have recently been rather negative, dark, dismal.
"Is this it?" my head asks my heart. "Is this what it all comes down to in the end? Taking care of the kids, keeping the house clean, the bills paid, the husband sexually satisfied? Just going through the same motions day after day, year after year, decade after decade. Is this it? Is this life? Is this living?" Because for a long time now, it hasn't felt all that fulfilling. It has honestly left me feeling somewhat empty, and I have realized that for years now, I have been dishonest with myself.
Don't get me wrong - I adore my life. I feel truly blessed for what I have (especially considering where I 've come from). My time and energies have been dedicated to my kids health and happiness for 13 years now. I choose to leave a career social work, so that I could work from home, around my kids schedules, twelve years ago now, and I am proud to say that my husband is my best friend and closest confident and we have worked hard to build a strong relationship and marriage that is going into it's 18th year with nothing but love and mutual support and respect for each other. But often, I barely take the time to glance in the mirror, so that I forget that behind the motherhood and the marriage, there's me.
ME.
Oh ya, THAT girl. The writer, the poet, the filmmaker, the photographer, the dreamer.
Whatever happened to her?
She just kinda disappeared.............and no one noticed.
But I am noticing now. I am listening now to her whispers in those early mornings, before another day begins, she is the one who questions me, who questions what I am doing, and what have I done to her? She is me and I am her, but I feel so disconnected from who I used to be that I see myself as two. My goal this year is to merge; to reconnect so I can feel whole and fulfilled.
I need to pull out my journal and write down some goals.
She and I need to get reacquainted.
